Rules for Cats

My cats follow this handbook to the letter

RULES FOR CATS

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To open a door, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull any clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Avoid swinging doors at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, search for an overstuffed chair. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug quickly. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch at least the length of a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany humans to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Humans are known to refer to it as "hampering." The following are rules for "helping":
..A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on...and then picked up and comforted.
..B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him or her, this is your opportunity to leap on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
..C. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in a manner so as to obscure much of the work, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and paw at the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to "help." Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks, in spite of what humans may tell you.
..D. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to help! First, sit directly on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity again proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly right in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) on stairs, when they have something in their arms, 2) in the dark, and 3) when they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps improve their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on a human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, bookend the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm, but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
..A. Only show interest in computers that are turned ON; the operator will then require your help.
..B. Monitors are bad for the eyes of humans. It might ruin their sight, causing them to buy less cat food. Always wedge yourself between the monitor and the human operating the computer. For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat...appearing as innocent as possible.
..C. Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del.
..D. Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it is your feline instinct to chase mice.
..E. Game manuals make great scratching posts. Nothing beats manuals when it's time to sharpen your nails.

That part with that cat looking in the mirror, omg, mine does that looking into the dishwasher

Cats do do all those things. That's why dogs are better.