Funny Quotes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
David Letterman

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

I couldn't wait for success, so I went on ahead without it.
Jonathan Winters

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Mae West

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Victor Borge

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
Arnold H. Glasgow

Ah yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
George Burns

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.


Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Rod Stewart

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult.


Money can't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Joel, 14.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.


I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Richard Jeni

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Woody Allen

If at first you donft succeed, think how many people youfve made happy.
H. Duane Black

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.


If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
George Globol

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Bill Vaughan

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Marvin Kitman

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.


Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
Dave Barry

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
Dave Barry

I don't know whether the world is run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.


Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember-the only taste of success some people have when they take a bite out of you.
Zig Ziglar

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Harry S. Truman

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
George Burns

Speaking of quotes, here's one that I still can't stop laughing about:

Charlie Manuel after losing game 1 to the Rockies:

"Tomorrow is an important game for us to lose....I mean win!"

hhahahaha that WAS brilliant!

SoulRat wrote:

hhahahaha that WAS brilliant!

Cole Hamels was all confused (not that it's hard to confuse him...anyone that marries a playboy centerfold can't be that brilliant...especially when she's FIVE years OLDER than you)....

"especially when she's FIVE years OLDER than you"

LMAO!!!

SoulRat wrote:

"especially when she's FIVE years OLDER than you"

LMAO!!!

Well I mean come on. If you're goint to marry a playbody centerfold (which is stupid enough...I mean it's not like you'll be seeing anything new when you take her home...everyone's already seen it) the whole point is for her looks. If she's older than you doesn't that defeat the purpose? He's clearly not the brightest crayon in the box.

!!!

catbox_9 wrote:

SoulRat wrote:

"especially when she's FIVE years OLDER than you"

LMAO!!!

Well I mean come on. If you're goint to marry a playbody centerfold (which is stupid enough...I mean it's not like you'll be seeing anything new when you take her home...everyone's already seen it) the whole point is for her looks. If she's older than you doesn't that defeat the purpose? He's clearly not the brightest crayon in the box.

Hit him again Hit him again

What is wrong with marrying a Playboy Centerfold?

I feel so sorry for Hamels!

LUCKY BASTARD!

catbox_9 wrote:

SoulRat wrote:

hhahahaha that WAS brilliant!

Cole Hamels was all confused (not that it's hard to confuse him...anyone that marries a playboy centerfold can't be that brilliant...especially when she's FIVE years OLDER than you)....

How brilliant would you NEED to be if you were married to a centerfold??

Here's one of my favorite quotes:

"Vickie Lynn Hogan is my Birth Certificate's name"

-Anna Nicole Smith

Hmmm speaking of centerfolds....doesn't seem she was too briliant to think that her Brith Certificate had a name of its own! lol

SoulRat wrote:

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

This is so true! My daily business! My customers would confirm this quote.... I am really good in confusing... LOL

I heard a similar quote: "If you can't convince them, confuse them."

if life hands you lemons......squeez them into peoples eyes


it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt......then it's hilarious

soul those are :haha:

"Do unto others....then Run"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I Am"

tigersaint wrote:

"I'm not as think as you drunk I Am"

"When you come to a fork in the road....take it"

-Yogi Berra

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies :

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9 "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"

And the best one of all...

14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"