Jokes

There, I Fixed it - Funny Pictures

GoGetEmTigers — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:58:01 GMT

Does No One PLAN Anymore?

Toilet placed too close to sink.

Funny Tech Support Calls

GoGetEmTigers — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:34:07 GMT

Will and Guy's - Tech Support Jokes Best Tech support jokes We have selected the best ten Tech Support Jokes. They were take by advisors at BT, HP and Dell. 1) Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!' ___________________ 2) Advisor: 'Press any key to continue. Customer: I can't find the 'Any' key. ___________________ 3) Great Vision 3a) Tech Support: ...

hilarious name anagram

GoGetEmTigers — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:10:21 GMT

There's a little website out there that finds anagrams for any name you type into it. I typed some Tigers' names in and got: Alfredo Figaro's anagram name is GOOD FLAIR FEAR - not bad! Magglio Ordonez's anagram name is GORGONIZE MODAL - Justin Verlander's anagram name is LEND VAST INJURER - Rick Porcello's anagram name is PERIL OR CLOCK - Peril to other teams Nate Robertson's anagram name is BETTER ON ARSON Wilkin Ramirez's anagram name is WRINKLIER ZIMA Dontrelle Willis's ...

Newspaper clippings

catbox_9 — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 06:28:40 GMT

Why Parents Drink

catbox_9 — Fri, 22 May 2009 07:06:11 GMT

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have ...

How to really piss off your neighbor

catbox_9 — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 23:39:11 GMT

Neighbor or someone else got you pissed off? Here's a good way to get revenge. Go to the post office's website. In their store section the give away free boxes. click here Set up an account with your neighbor (or anyone else's address) and order away. There is no charge for delivery or the boxes. You can order up to 20 packages of each type of box (25 boxes per box). I ordered some of these once because I needed a few boxes and they're a huge pain in the ass to throw away. Be ...

Rules for Cats

SoulRat — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:44:32 GMT

My cats follow this handbook to the letter RULES FOR CATS I. DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To open a door, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull any clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, ...

How to avoid a speeding ticket

catbox_9 — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 09:20:10 GMT

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding. Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your licence, please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older ...

MythBusters funny stuff

GoGetEmTigers — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:49:17 GMT

MythBusters - Do Pretty Girls Fart?

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

GoGetEmTigers — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 04:18:21 GMT

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!! THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY ...

Check your children's homework before it gets handed in....

swiss_tiger — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:55:31 GMT

Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in: A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment. After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made ...

2009 Detroit Lions Schedule

catbox_9 — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:28:36 GMT

September 13th************Taft Junior High School 20th************Cub Scout Troop #101 27th************Detroit Blind Academy October 04**************Spanish American War Vets 11*************Crippled Children's Home 18**************Eloise Mental Hospital 25*************Girl Scout Troop #353 November 01*************Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic 08*************Fraser Boys Choir 15*************Korean Amputees 22*************National Hospital Pastoral ...

Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons

GoGetEmTigers — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 03:12:57 GMT

Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

bobrob2004 — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 03:26:00 GMT

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other Sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. - Sue Lin Chong, Washington His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those ...

Blonde Jokes

Ohios#1TigerFan — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 05:15:27 GMT

I'm suprised it took THIS long for thread to get started! LOL Ok...here's my 1st contribution...and trust me...I have pleanty! Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. ...

All Random Jokes and Funny Personal Stories

gdennis59 — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:25:12 GMT

So Ill just start this thread with quite a funny story.

In cross country, we were talking to some girl, who was saying something about her friend in Texas, one of my friends says, "Oh, so you know people in other states?"

The girl says "Yeah, I know people in Dallas, too!"

True story too!

It�s important to have a woman...

bobrob2004 — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:49:25 GMT

1. It�s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It�s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It�s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn�t lie to you.

4. It�s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It�s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

The 4th Husband

SoulRat — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:22:12 GMT

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A ...

Animated cartoon: Penguins on thin ice

GoGetEmTigers — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:15:32 GMT

Animated cartoon: Penguins on thin ice

CLICK ON PENGUIN PIC TO SEE CARTOON

The Hunters

Ohios#1TigerFan — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:29:35 GMT

Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing ...

New Detroit Tornado Policy

iluvpudge7 — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 05:07:44 GMT

NEW TORNADO POLICY for the Detroit and nearby areas:

In case of possible tornadoes sweeping through the Detroit and nearby areas,
we ask that all residents take shelter at Ford Field. We are certain that a
touchdown will not occur there.

Thank you for your cooperation,

National Weather Service

A kid's thoughts...

iluvpudge7 — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 05:43:07 GMT

This is a cute story proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to gather materials for his home. She read, 'and so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused and asked the class, 'and what do you think ...

Son???

Ohios#1TigerFan — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:44:35 GMT

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all diffrent colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in you life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got ...

Should I sell the Boat??

SoulRat — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 18:57:24 GMT

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the Truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on The radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the Day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back Into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different Anticipation, ...

Bachelor Party

Ohios#1TigerFan — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:46:42 GMT

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had relations with on the pool table with all my buddies ...

Fired From Wal-Mart!!!

Ohios#1TigerFan — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:30:04 GMT

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job aside from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, (a good find for many older ambitious folks) I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman with what looked to be 100 pounds or so of cottage cheese stuffed in to here skin tight food stained ...

5 Minute Management Course

swiss_tiger — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:04:40 GMT

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman ...

The Queen visits hospital

swiss_tiger — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:19:21 GMT

The Queen of England was visiting one of the top hospitals in the US, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. -"Oh my God," said the Queen, -"That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains, -"I am sorry your grace, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode, ...

Ohio State

catbox_9 — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 05:07:55 GMT

Post your ANTI-ohio state jokes here.

Keep in mind all PRO-Ohio State jokes will be deleted!

Three Wishes

SoulRat — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:17:35 GMT

Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several days with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart. Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said, "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true." Friend number one got excited. He said, "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." ...

Spousal Control

SoulRat — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:46:17 GMT

Three guys are talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She ...

Need I Say More?

Ohios#1TigerFan — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:55:46 GMT

Life in Ohio Quick Robin....To the.... Deleted from "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"?? Mmmm Yummy! Ummm..... Something I would do! Darn.....and I thought it did! I wonder what their nightly rate is? Hell Yeah!! And last, but not least:

A girl and her goldfish

catbox_9 — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:54:45 GMT

Someone e-mailed me and I opened it for some reason instead of deleting it like I normally would. Here it is...

Government Jokes

GoGetEmTigers — Sat, 24 May 2008 20:48:09 GMT

Congressman's Money A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!" The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" ...

Barbecuing... It's a Man's job....

SoulRat — Wed, 21 May 2008 20:37:55 GMT

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. � The woman goes to the store. � The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. � The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. � The man ...

Not really a joke, but cute :)

SoulRat — Wed, 21 May 2008 20:33:43 GMT

Some good advice! If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience! Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and ...

A pretty lame joke....

catbox_9 — Tue, 13 May 2008 06:16:41 GMT

This is a pretty nerdy, stupid joke but here it goes....

There are 10 kinds of people, some understand binary and some don't!

The Fan vs. The Foul Ball

SoulRat — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:09:17 GMT

Spoiler:

When Fruit is depressed....

SoulRat — Sat, 17 May 2008 13:41:02 GMT

I think this orange is a Tiger fan. Spoiler:

If you build it, they will come...

SoulRat — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:10:47 GMT

Some people build swimming pools in their back yards. But outdoor pools in Alaska just won't work. Since this particular family lives on the outskirts of Anchorage, they decided to build a sturdy, colorful playground for their 3 and 4 year old sons, with smooth-stone gravel all around it to avoid knee scrapes and other injuries. They finished building it on Saturday evening, and the following morning, as mom was about to wake up the boys and have them go out to play in their new play center, ...

The Bank Robber

SoulRat — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing nearby. He asks the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Damn...

SoulRat — Mon, 05 May 2008 19:49:46 GMT

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study ...

Biggest Joke!

ScubatheHooD — Mon, 05 May 2008 00:12:52 GMT

Zach Miner.

Enough said.

Women are evil

SoulRat — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:40:02 GMT

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' ...

IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS

GoGetEmTigers — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:02:46 GMT

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

The Onion Jim Leylands speech

tigerswinloseordraw — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:46:36 GMT

Go to the Onion if you want to see it . Warning it graphically describes Jim Leyland nekkid

Elevator

TG — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:43:03 GMT

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator ------ 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 6. Shave. 7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, ...

100 reasons it's great to be a guy!

swiss_tiger — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:52:20 GMT

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Nite Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking ...

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

SoulRat — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 16:12:05 GMT

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself. 2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop. 3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink. 4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use ...

Easy Money

SoulRat — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 16:53:17 GMT

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink and sat on stools watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you ...